Straights

Let's face it - straights have been an asset to American humanity since 1776. Scientifically classified as "straights", straights are the most common form of person known to man. Why is it, then, that the drive-by media seems to act as if they don't even exist? Let's explore the world of the straight, get inside their straight heads, and try to understand what's wrong with them - or maybe, just maybe, pause for effect, what's wrong with us.

"Mary, do you want to go out on a date with me?" This is one of the most common phrases you'll hear from a straight. Oh - our main character's name is Jeff. That part's important. Mary might respond, "no thanks, I'm already going to go out on a date with Tommy". You see, Mary and Jeff are straights. Unbeknownst to Mary, Tommy's not. That's right - nearly two in three people are straights. And yet, today's society - what with the economy and all - disregards straights, even disparages them.

"Straighty," they say. "Hey, straightster," a gay bully might announce. "This party is straight, let's get out of here," a toughnik might declare, derisively. You hear it every day. You can't help it. It's gotten to the point straights are often driven underground. You'd be hard-pressed to recall someone, upon introduction, saying "hi Andy, nice to meet you, I'm Paul, and I'm straight." Why? Is Paul embarrassed? Is he scared? Is he not sure of his straightitude? It's the first two - embarrassed and scared. Paul's sure he's straight, because he dated Becky Milledge junior year, plus he played midfielder for his high school's lacrosse team. So, you know, it's not really even a question.

Our society is ill. The patient? Society. The symptoms? I really already covered all that above. It was basically the point of the essay. The diagnosis? Too many symptoms - bad ones. Insurance? Lapsed. But most importantly, what's the cure? Is it tolerance? No - that's too easy. Double-eye patches? You wish. Systematic elimination of all straights? Get real, that would take forever. No, the real answer - the only answer we have - is tolerance.

In recent years, straights have been banding together, aggregating their power in numbers, and standing up for their rights. The formation of alliances like One Hundred Percent Straight, International Heteros, and the Totally, Definitely Straight Club For Just Cool Dudes is really only the beginning. Recently in Oakland, a group of straight-rights activists held a "straight-out", calling in "straight" for work for an entire week. A scheduling mix-up landed it on the same week as the International Lesbian and Gay Association "gay-out", crippling the city, but the effect was felt. The emergency services resumed the following Monday. The zoo, however, closed permanently, as its "backup animals" policy had not yet been implemented.

The fact of the matter is that straights are here to stay. And like the OHPS motto says, "if you're not straight, you're gay". Sometimes, words speak louder than actions. Usually it's the other way around, but in this case, it's not.