Will Blog for Food But Preferably Money

My one hundred closest friends that also
have blogs and we talk on the phone at night
and text each other, plus we have blogs.

There's been a major misunderstanding - turns out I'm not getting paid for the johnatron™. When I conceived of and birthed the 'tron, I guess I sped through the Terms of Service. I fully misinterpreted this seemingly innocuous passage:

"You also agree that you will not use any robot, spider, other automated device, or manual process to monitor or copy any content from the Service." - Blogger Terms of Service, Clause 6, 'Intellectual Property Rights'

As this:

"What would you think of a stipend of, say, $650 per week? We'll front you $12,000 for various blogging-related expenditures (such as coffee and highly-elastic rubber bands you can shoot all around the room) as well as discretionary spending like maybe the new Amazon Kindle® whenever it comes out and a Roomba® - have you ever thought of getting a Roomba®? Obviously shots at the bar would fall under this -- you know what, it's yours, what are we dictating its use for? Go nuts, kid, go nuts."

Whoa. Talk about a typo. Now when I was fourteen and living in Burma a witch/eye doctor insinuated I could have demons/dyslexia, but as none in my lineage had ever been diagnosed with what's known as backwards brain, off I shrugged it. But here it comes, biting me in the rear like that Coppertone® ad from the '50s - not the one with the girl and the dog; there's a lesser-known one involving a sun-bathing priest in nothing but his clerical collar who wakes to an unfortunate burn and laments, "Jesus Christ, I wish I used that godforsaken Coppertone® crap". Poignant.

So here I am, penniless save my checking and savings accounts, some money-market investments, a 401(k), a number of still-maturing treasury bonds, equity in a single-family residence and an actual piggy-bank twelve years in development. But other than that - straight broke. But do I want to be viewed as a martyr? Yeah. Yes. Now.

Thanks, Blogger. And so we're clear, that was sarcasm.

The good news is I'm now selling banner ads at $9 per thousand impressions. Act now and I throw in a ShamWow®. So.

Breaking News - Someone Robbed a Bank! Part II

Moore's Law shat the bed on this one.

WHERE: TD Bank (formerly Commerce Bank) on Rt. 130 at Levitt Parkway in Willingboro

WHEN: Monday, 2/3/09, at 1:30 PM

WHAT: Undetermined amount of cash

HOW: Dude walked in, passed a note that presumably read "gimme valuable stuff" to the teller, who complied, then he left and drove off in his two-door silver Pontiac Grand-Am, like a punk.

WHY: Because he's a bad guy?

Joseph C. Bankrobber is in his mid-thirties to fifties, wears leather like he killed the cow and sports a thin mustache because his boyfriend likes it. He's just like you and me (white), except he wears pedophile glasses so he can see the kids better. We gotta catch this guy - he's too lame to be on our streets. My composite sketch shows just how creepy some people can look when you try to draw them that way. In full disclosure, I should say I added the pom-pom, cigarette and shifty eyes.

This is the first bank robbery in Burlington County in 2009. In 2007 there were three; 2008 - twenty-four. Even I with my degree in Multiples of Three know that's a bad trend. Call the Willingboro police at (609) 877-3003 if you're familiar with this kook. No questions will be asked except "wait, why are you familiar with this kook?"

It Appears I've Perfected Movie-Making

Mine's just out of frame to the left.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was overpowered by a vision: it was suddenly clear to me how to make the most legendary cinematic experience known to man. And it's surprisingly simple - I have it all mapped out in my head.

• CREATE AN EXCELLENT PLOT All the best movies have really good plots. I'll just put together a story that has a likable main character that the audience roots for. Oh, but there's a catch - he's deeply flawed. Then there are other characters - one's a girl, and the main character has this crazy crush on her. Then, various things happen - some you expect, some you don't. But here's the twist - at the end, there's a twist. All M. Night-like, but far twistier. Basically Citizen Kane's "Rosebud" and Rookie of the Year's "underhanded lob pitch", combined.
  
• GET THE BEST ACTOR This part's important - make sure to get the best actor. See if Tom Hanks is available, otherwise, Duchovny. Might have to first tell him that other big names are involved - which is okay, because once Hanks is on board, those other names will follow. May want to check with legal on this - when you get home, google "the law".
• GET THE HOTTEST AND BEST ACTRESS Sad to say, but in this day and age you'll need a really pretty actress. But she should also be the best at acting. Obvious person - Scarlett Johansson (backup - Diane Lane).
• USE A RENOWNED DIRECTOR I'd do it, but I should be in more of a production capacity. Probably Tarant -- wait wait wait. Duh - Kubrick! That guy made movies people still don't get. Settled. Kubrick. Plus he hasn't made anything in a while - he's probably dying to get back in the game.
  
• UNUSUAL CINEMATOGRAPHY If this movie's going to go down in history, it needs to be shot in some retro-futuristic arthouse style. Look on youtube to see what's considered the grittiest, rawest shooting techniques around. Possible tactics (and this is off the cuff): the whole thing shot in a mirror, or maybe everything's black-and-white except minorities? Or - if Kubrick greenlights it - all the scenes have the boom mic in frame. Sometimes an amateurish look works - maybe have a kid hold the camera? Google "child + behind + camera"; something should pop up right away.
  
• EXCESSIVE BUDGET The biggest-grossing movies have the biggest budgets. Seems overly simple, but no movie with a really ridiculously large budget has ever failed. We could probably get a quarter-billion. Hanks might even throw half in himself, and we'll tie his compensation to total gross sales (this happens all the time).
  
• TOP-SHELF MARKETING Whichever distributor picks it up needs to market it in a way that makes the movie very successful. It's worth spending a lot of money on promotions - this way, more people will know about and then see the movie. It's called "buzzing".
• GET CRITICAL ACCLAIM Hollywood's best movies over the years have one thing in common: they're all well-received by critics. My movie is no exception. Try to get a 98% or higher on Rotten Tomatoes; perfect 100 on Metacritic. This will help ensure the movie's success.
• WIN ALL THE AWARDS The easiest way to be remembered for making a great movie is for that movie to have won the Academy Award for Best Picture. Is a full sweep possible? You have Kubrick directing Hanks with a quarter-billion dollar budget - anything less than a sweep is a failure.
  

Oh my God, this is really going to happen. I can't believe no one's thought of this before. And I'm not even from the industry!