Will Blog for Food But Preferably Money

My one hundred closest friends that also
have blogs and we talk on the phone at night
and text each other, plus we have blogs.

There's been a major misunderstanding - turns out I'm not getting paid for the johnatron™. When I conceived of and birthed the 'tron, I guess I sped through the Terms of Service. I fully misinterpreted this seemingly innocuous passage:

"You also agree that you will not use any robot, spider, other automated device, or manual process to monitor or copy any content from the Service." - Blogger Terms of Service, Clause 6, 'Intellectual Property Rights'

As this:

"What would you think of a stipend of, say, $650 per week? We'll front you $12,000 for various blogging-related expenditures (such as coffee and highly-elastic rubber bands you can shoot all around the room) as well as discretionary spending like maybe the new Amazon Kindle® whenever it comes out and a Roomba® - have you ever thought of getting a Roomba®? Obviously shots at the bar would fall under this -- you know what, it's yours, what are we dictating its use for? Go nuts, kid, go nuts."

Whoa. Talk about a typo. Now when I was fourteen and living in Burma a witch/eye doctor insinuated I could have demons/dyslexia, but as none in my lineage had ever been diagnosed with what's known as backwards brain, off I shrugged it. But here it comes, biting me in the rear like that Coppertone® ad from the '50s - not the one with the girl and the dog; there's a lesser-known one involving a sun-bathing priest in nothing but his clerical collar who wakes to an unfortunate burn and laments, "Jesus Christ, I wish I used that godforsaken Coppertone® crap". Poignant.

So here I am, penniless save my checking and savings accounts, some money-market investments, a 401(k), a number of still-maturing treasury bonds, equity in a single-family residence and an actual piggy-bank twelve years in development. But other than that - straight broke. But do I want to be viewed as a martyr? Yeah. Yes. Now.

Thanks, Blogger. And so we're clear, that was sarcasm.

The good news is I'm now selling banner ads at $9 per thousand impressions. Act now and I throw in a ShamWow®. So.