In the dozen or so hours since I posted about a bank robbery at Liberty Bell Bank in Moorestown, my inbox has been flooded with responses from all over the upper-east region of Northwest Cinnaminson. Most unfortunately for me, the vast majority are taking the sentiment of "John, I'm uh, I'm pretty sure that's you in the picture."
Talk about your all-time backfires.
While I'm chagrined beyond words to learn of this development, the presence of two hulking, badge-laden men at my doorstep this morning now forces me to get all exculpatory up in here - how demeaning.
Where was I at approximately 11:30 AM on the morning of the fifteenth? Simple. I had just come from the hat-and-glassery and was headed to the bank. While you'd think that would have one-eightied the fuzz in their tracks, would you believe I found myself instantly incarcerated? I knew I should have specified which hat-and-glassery.
I secured freedom only when a blank-faced cop who was trying to take a nap saw that I really, really had to go to the bathroom and took mercy on me.
But my trial doesn't end here. Too often in our society accusation is tantamount to conviction. I find myself wondering if I'll ever get another job - I'm sure once NASA catches wind of my "possible involvement in a first degree armed robbery", I'll be kicked out of the Shuttle Polishers Union in a heartbeat. All because I look eerily - and I do mean eerily - similar to this despicable though exceedingly handsome bandit.
Friends: if I suddenly disappear for months on end, it's your duty to do whatever it takes - by any means necessary - to stop my mail. Because the next time, it could be you. And you'd want your mail stopped.
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