Blogger's Block

blogger's block (n): the state of mental paralysis that temporarily prohibits bloggers from blogging or "getting their blog on"

One of the most damning aspersions cast on the "New Media" as I just decided to call it, is the perceived amateur nature of its output. What's often derided about the fledgling craft is a concept that has been equal parts oppressing and inspiring to beat writers since the written word has had a reader - the deadline. Apparently, what's fit to print is an on-demand service, and there's no greater muse than imminent failure. But as we in the blogosphere enjoy a lax schedule, we're often criticized for our lenient timetables. Hopefully I can give you an appreciation for the pressures and expectations involved in my profession, blogging, or bloggin', as I say sometimes to shorten it, though the contraction actually necessitates the same amount of keystrokes, making it more of an "in-spirit" abbreviation.

Fact is, my colleagues and I have a rigorous schedule. You all know I've been blogging since late 2008, like around 1:15 PM EST today. I'm on the team here at blogspot.com, where I don't get any remuneration, as it's more a free web service than a "job" using the strict Merriam-Webster definition (sort of like a not-for-profit blog news agency). We 8.5 million on the staff are judged against our peers using a number of indices. For instance, with two posts in my first five and a half hours, I blog at .36 PPH. I'm considered the world's preeminent speed blogger, as the next fastest is a Frenchman whose name I omit because I cannot spell it justly with my current character set (it has the 'c' with the '5' at the bottom of it). His runner-up rate of .11 PPH, while still respectable, has the effect of making me the Babe Ruth of my trade. I'm hitting you with a lot of industry jargon here what with "PPH" and "Babe Ruth", but keep in mind, speed blogging requires efficiency. There's a time-honored saying in speed blogging: "It's in the best interest of a speed blogger to blog as quickly as possible." Says it all.

But believe you me, I hardly look down on my compatriot ireporters! If anyone knows the burdens of web logging, it's me, with my incomprehensibly blazing tempo. I'd like to take you through a sample day in the life of a blogger. Come, won't you?

8:10 AM Wake to let dog out.
8:13 AM Wake to let dog in.
10:45 AM Greet the day.
11:15 AM Off to the diner with Dan and Steve.
11:25 AM Dan learns you have to enunciate if you want "salsa" instead of "sausage".
11:45 AM I get french toast and bacon. Both were impeccable.
12:30 PM Comedy Central: Ryan Reynolds and Anna Faris star in 2005's Just Friends. This raucous, laugh-out-loud rocom finds Chris Brander wondering if the success was worth it - if it cost him his childhood crush, Jamie Palamino. He'll do just about anything to woo her this time around, but will they become more than "just friends"? Yes, they do. It's towards the end.
1:15 PM "Huh. Blogspot's free. I guess - oh look at that, I made a blog!" Begin first post.

[the author is now a web logger, or "blogger"]

1:45 PM Post first post. This is my industry's equivalent of a "debut album" or "a brand-new bakery's first cake".
2:30 PM "Oh, nice, Super Troopers is on. I guess I can't blog about this..."
4:00 PM Hit by inspiration (possibly divine). Begin second post.
6:25 PM "Whoa! President Bush had shoes thrown at him at a press conference?! I wonder if I can blog about this..."
6:45 PM Post second post.
8:10 PM "Man, that was some day! I'm blogging about this."
10:15 PM Comedy Central: Ryan Reynolds and Anna Faris star in 2005's Just Friends. This raucous, laugh-out-loud rocom finds Chris Brander wondering if the success was worth it - without his childhood crush, Jamie Palamino. He'll do just about anything to woo her this time around, but will they become more than "just friends"? Yes, they do. It's towards the end.

Of course, I'm not without my detractors. Their argument is primitive - "John, you clearly just started blogging today and have what's called 'beginner's momentum'. In all likelihood you'll slow your pace to a crawl once the novelty expires and your energy wanes. In fact, there hasn't been a night cycle since you began, significantly skewing your 'posts per hour' statistic, which to be honest, I'm not sure is an actual benchmark." Wow, if I wanted a weak point I'd shatter the tip of my index finger with a hammer!

Every field has it's advocates and its antonym-of-advocates, so it's no surprise blogging isn't free of scrutiny. Fortunately, it's the critiquing that pushest the best to be even better, and the really bad to be so-so. It's not unlike an art gallery - if each masterpiece were tied for first place, no true quintessence can emerge. Classical Roman relief art has Trajan's Column, baseball cap technology has when Flex-Fit came out, and I - if numbers are to be trusted - am the presumptive paragon of making blizzogs happen. If blogger's block is a real phenomenon, I consider myself blessed that I'll never, ever have it, and that there's no way this could be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Blout (blogger out).