[NOTE: This johnatron DIY is ideal for single males, age 27.]
1. You know where "outside" is? Great, make a beeline! Head in the direction of a large tree. Now start looking on the ground. Trees have a tendency of dropping or "shedding" their tree extension units, or "arms". You're looking for a tree arm about four-and-a-half feet tall. Any larger and you'd have to register it with the Department of Agriculture. Found one pathetically small? Great, that's your tree, stupid!
2. Carelessly drag it into your house and drop it in the staging area without regard for your flooring's well-being. Time to erect this mother. Down your basement, next to the dryer, you'll find an empty Bud Light case. There's some stray bolts and screws in it from when you tried to build a dartboard storage case. Dump them on the ground. Also, look for next week's DIY, How
to Build Most of a Dartboard Storage Case.3. Your mom lent you some pitchers for a party you had in July. Fill one with water and put it in the mathematical center of the box - point 'B' in the illicitly-acquired image to the right.
4. Put your tree arm in the water, which is in the box, which is in your living room. Now, here's the tricky part. You'll want to shut the box by closing each flap sequentially in a clockwise rotation. You almost always mess this up, so focus on this step - it's what stands between having a lifeless tree arm lying on your floor, and constructing the crap out of a charming Christmas tree.
5. If you've made it this far, congratulate yourself! The above is typically the entire curriculum necessary to attain a master's degree in botany at any accredited university. Nice job, "doc"! Just kidding, it's merely an associate's degree.
6. Decoration time! It's almost gauranteed your tree arm will not support standard store-bought Christmas lights. Now make like lightning-fast yet approachable performer Ryan Stiles from ABC Family's hit series Whose Line is it Anyway? and improvise! There're innumerable ways to enliven your surely dead symbol of this commercially-hijacked holiday. For instance - tin foil can be folded into an amorphous shape in zero steps. Make three, and distribute them without rhyme or reason on your tree arm.
If you did it right, it should look like this. Let's troubleshoot yours and find out where you went wrong. Does your box read "Coors"? Good try, but I guess you're not aware the Molson Coors Brewing Company supports the contra terrorists in Nicaragua - great for aiding in the slaughter of civilians, but not exactly Yuletide-appropriate. Is your tree eight-feet tall, appear to be healthy and vibrant, and uniformly adorned with colorful string-lights and glass ornaments with recent years imprinted on them? You're trying way, way too hard. No one's impressed - not even God.It was Burton Hillis who said, "The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." Hillis died at age 61 of lung cancer.
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Actually, I was just watching the history channel and this arm tree is eerily similar to the tree constructed by Jesus in his first apartment which he shared with his roomate, St. Dan the Baptist. Of course he used a Coors box because, as we all know, everyone supported the contra terrorists back then. Just another example of your similarities to Jesus. Others being your fondness for open toed sandles and you also have a roomate named Dan, though he's not technically a saint, yet.
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