Dan or Myth? Part 1 of 1

Friends,

You may know that I cohabitate with a gentleman known as "Dan Rodan". Of course, this is almost certainly an alias, or perhaps it was assigned at Ellis Island for incomparable ease of spelling. Some believe it to be a stage name, but - despite claims - there exists no footage of him in a theatrical setting. This is why we call him the "Broadway Bigfoot"*.

*from now on

Nomenclature aside, he's a real boy. I know - I experience him every day. But I feel the need to catalog his existence because, a thousand years from now, when people tell tales of The Man Called Dan, I want the distinction between reality and illusion clearly delineated. We know that even in his own time many stories about Dan are simply fabricated, and it's time the record is set straight. And so, I'll now be addressing those future peoples because I know if I were them, I'd want to know the truth. Here it is.

Dear Posterity,

How's tricks? If you're reading this, that means humanity as we know it has survived, and you have a broadband connection. I commend you for both. Please forward this to your society's Chief Historian. If he's not available, just send it around indiscriminately, cause listen, Bill Gates will pay you $245 for each recipient you send it to, $243 for each they send it to, and so on. Plus, my brother's girlfriend got in on it really early, so I know it's real.
Brass tacks. You call him Dan the Man. I just call him Dan. Why? We are contemporaries, peers, friends, and roommates. A flimsy piece of drywall separates our sleeping quarters, or what your era calls a "bedroom". Actually we call it a bedroom too. Real original, Future.
I have truths I need to reveal about Dan. As Man is want to do, it's likely you've created your own version of the historical "Dan Rodan". It's been a millenium since he walked the Earth, so it's understandable that truths have been stretched and tales have been tall-enized. Try as we might, even history books are subjective. Stories are passed down generation to gene -- oh, hey, have you ever played the game "Telephone"? It's like that.
Let's start at the top. To the skeptics that claim he's merely a fable, a legend that never even existed: you couldn't be wronger. I can tell you with total certitude, Dan Rodan is a living, breathing animal. He has needs and desires. He bleeds when he falls, which is often. And somewhere inside his exterior shell glows a heart that somehow, in some way, apparently works. He often wears hooded sweatshirts.
But much of the lore you've heard is true. Is he five foot ten? You can bet your high-five-powered spaceships he is. Can he lift a entire refrigerator, at least a little so I can sweep under it? We've never tried, but I don't see why not. He speaks two languages fluently - English and Dan. Did he found Wal-Mart, the discount merchandiser you now call "the WM"? No, you're thinking of Sam Walton. Actually, check me on that: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wal-Mart .

He says he can throw a softball forty-five feet. Forty-five feet! Can you imagine?
However, it's the patent falsehoods that concern me. He's a mere mortal. Yes, he loses fantasy football games. Sure, from time to time he'll "run out of money" or "not leave the couch for fourteen consecutive hours". Is he afraid of ladders or does he just not trust their structural integrity - I don't know! But I know he'll never join me on the roof to discuss about "our living arrangement".

Hey what number PlayStation are you guys up to? I bet Madden's siiick...

Look, if nothing else, know this: He Who Had the AIM Screenname Drsuperfan was very much a real man. While the origin of his silly, silly name is unknown (inside joke between parents?), he indeed was a part of 21st-century Burlington County, New Jersey. That is all.

Signed,
Barack H. Obama
44th President of the United States of America (<-- wait, why?)

Okay. I feel better. I just wish someone had the forethought to do what I did for the dinosaurs. Were they real? Weren't they? We'll never know. Holy shit - is "Dan Rodan" an anagram of "dinosaurs"? It's not, but wouldn't that be cool?