Words to Your Moms... Volume 1

You know, it's pretty evident we here at johnatron like to have fun. Just the other day was our annual staff picnic, and I spared no expense. Of course, I also spent no expense - sometimes the worst kind of ride is a free one. It's rare, but sometimes.

And so, in the spirit of lack of fun, I bring to you the first of however many:

Words to Your Moms...

panegyric (n): (PAN-uh-JEER-ik) a formal expression of praise, often a eulogy.

Though Daryl was terminated with just, albeit odd, cause (misappropriation of the company pet), his boss felt it necessary to say a little something to his staff before Daryl's departure.

"It's pretty amazing to think you've been with Rectix for 33 years, each one better than the last," Mr. Yeager said. "I doubt any replacement we can find will offer the same mix of dependability and comraderie we all enjoyed during your time here. Why you chose to take home Ronnie the Rectix Rhesus, we'll never know, but one thing's for sure - you'll be missed. As will Ronnie."

Daryl, stiff with self-consciousness yet brazen by embarrassment, quietly approached Mr. Yeager. "What was the panegyric all about?"

Mr. Yeager froze. "The, uh, the what?"

"The panegyric. I felt like I was witnessing my own funeral. You got up there - atop a desk, no less - and went straight panegyrical on everyone."

"Oh, PANegyric. I thought you said... [unintelligible]. Well, Daryl, I thought it was fitting to give you a proper send-off. Your colleagues will miss you. Plus, my staff loves my panegyrics."

Daryl grew increasingly agitated. "We actually hate your panegyrics! Remember your 'Ode to Joe'? When Jeff Connigan left? He cried, and not in a good way. For one thing you called him 'Joe' the whole time."

Mr. Yeager hesitated. "Okay, just - and I'm not trying to pick nits here - it's really not 'we' anymore. Your termination was effective yesterday. I just figured you'd want to come in for some cake."

"And the panegyric?"

"And the panegyric." Daryl stormed away. Mr. Yeager turned and gazed down from his first-story window. A single tear streamed down his cheek. He couldn't stop thinking of Ronnie. But he knew of one way to truly honor his memory - panegyrically. And he'd be sure to get the phrase "monkey business" in there somewhere.