The New and Improved Johnatron - Now With Even More Bytes!

L to R: proposed NYC skyscraper, johnatron headquarters (not shown)

Big day over at johnatronica productions, llc. Big day. Financing finally came through, and I'm proud to announce we're now a partially-subsidized unit of Time-Warner's (yes, the Time-Warner - world's third largest media and entertainment conglomerate, whose subsidiaries include AOL, HBO, the CW Network, CNN and Adult Swim, and whose total assets amount to, oh, just $134 billion - yes, billion) startup competitor "Y2K 4Eva! Website Guyz" (trademark rejected). Y2K4E!WG's management team (Jared) has been working with the johnatron for over a day now, prepping the re-launch of blogspot.johnatron.com - what was considered during the first quarter of 2009 to be "a valid web address with often-functioning links". While critics mostly feigned hearing of us, Roger Sidewinder from Yahoo! Buzz frequently called us "stop emailing me" (3/21/09, 3/24/09 and 3/24/09).

Best of all, we now have a staff! Allow me to introduce you. Come on, allow me.

Meet Becky. Talk about a gossip, this one! I wonder how she gets any work done around here what with all the celebrity news she's constantly yapping about. John Ratzenberger this, Kirstie Alley that. Big Cheers fan, Becky.

Then there's Tommy. Tommm-mmaaaayyy!! My boy! My dude! Home-slice-a-nator!! Yeah, no, actually there's a pretty big generational gap there, Tommy and I. He's interning with us and man, oh man, do these teens speak a different language, what with the ridiculous acronyms and all! Yesterday he goes, "we should cover BHO's big speech at the NAACP". Say what? S.O.S.! Help an old guy out! R2D2! [briefly stiffens and alternately raises and lowers forearms mimicking a 1970s-era TV robot as a metaphor for the seemingly futuristic qualities of abbreviatory lingo common to today's youth in online forums]. Beep!

Clara's another gem. She came highly recommended by another industry colleague, though he worried there may be an issue given that she was born in the 90s. I said, "if I can work with Tommy, I'm sure I can work with Clara!" I was, however, surprised to find out he was referring the 1890s. Yeah, Clara's pushin' six score. Oh she's a doll, don't get me wrong, though possibly not blogosphere material. She tells us she's quite fond of talkies, and she often wonders aloud if we should give Grover Cleveland "another go 'round". Ironically, she joins us after co-founding TMZ.

Clara as a girl, on the "silly" take

Horace. Mute and born without fingertips, he doesn't add much. His mom, though, brings us Mallo Cups daily. It's actually kind of weird - she bring us all Mallo Cups. Daily. I guess maybe Horace's dad works for whoever makes Mallo Cups? I don't know, I can't crack this one. Kinda forgot they still made Mallo Cups. They do. They do.

Well, that's our little johnatron family. And that's what we are, too - a family. We live and die together, and you can't imagine the bond we've - actually wait I let Tommy go this morning. Forgot I did his bio already. So, it's me, Becky, Clara and Horace. A family. Shotgun dad!

So what can you expect from the new and improved johnatron? Well, let me ask you a question: do you like fast-paced, hard-hitting, old-school investigative journalism with a soft side for the warm story and a quirky side that'll keep your funny bone a-ticklin', brought to you day in, day out, with the kind of reliability you know you can count on?

You do? Huh.

Horace's mom brings Mallo Cups!!